Radical Self Love
by Adarian
Summary: Merrill advises Fenris as he heals from a lifetime of trauma, helping him learn to trust himself. Written for a kink-meme prompt.


Try as he might, Fenris couldn't ignore the throbbing in his groin any longer. He excused himself from the camp, wandering over to the creek. The others were asleep and Merrill was working away on some potion. There would be no one to hear him.

Fenris sat underneath a tree, letting his feet rest just on the edge of the water. He slipped his hand under his pants, sighing as he wrapped his hand around his cock. He thought of Isabela sleeping only a few feet away, the curves of her body underneath the bedroll, the quiet sigh of her breath. The attraction had been growing for weeks now, surprising him. He couldn't remember ever thinking about a woman the way he thought about her. And while it wasn't like he had never had an erection before, the urgency of them was linked entirely to his attraction to her. This wasn't the waxing and waning of his normal body, this was need.

When he stroked himself, he wasn't seeking an orgasm for pleasure, but simply for the aching to stop. It was distracting him and he needed to be alert. The others counted on him, especially if Merrill was the only other one to protect them.

He groaned slightly, a shiver running through him. He repeated the motion, the soft stroke over the head of his cock. He was still learning the touch of his body, it was all new to him, as if he was only noticing it for the first time. While the pressure built up, he found himself having trouble finishing what he started. Of the few times he had tried this particular practice, he had only been able to stroke himself to completion once and he was too exhausted to truly enjoy the experience.

He laid his head against the tree, pumping harder in desperation. He grunted and froze, hearing the quiet footsteps of Merrill. He tried to pull his pants up in time, but she was in sight now, a soft smile on her face.

Fenris cleared his throat, "Forgive me, I have been slacking in my duties. I will return to the camp."

Merrill stopped him, placing her hand gently on his shoulder.

Merrill asked kindly, "Were you not enjoying yourself?"

Fenris gruffly pushed her aside, "It is none of your business."

Merrill replied, "I'm not stupid, you know. Just because I don't always get Isabela's jokes doesn't mean I don't know anything about sex. Among the Dalish, we encourage masturbation among youth, it stops them from getting into sex too early, but still teaches them to appreciate their bodies."

Fenris said nothing as she continued, "I don't think you really appreciate your body, do you, Fenris? You don't think about pleasure, just how it hurt before. There's physical release, but what about your soul, your spirit?"

Fenris frowned as she stepped closer. He flinched as she put her hands on his shoulders.

"Let me do something for you," she said kindly, "I know you and I aren't exactly friends, but let me teach you, like you would have been taught if you had grown up with us. Please. If you don't like it, I'll stop."

Fenris thought about this and desperately, he nodded.

Fenris stood still as Merrill took off his clothing, piece by piece. He felt her hands touch his body gently, affectionately. When he was naked, she stood behind him, her hands reaching to his shoulders.

Merrill said gently, "Relax. Take a few deep breaths."

Fenris listened, although he was skeptical. He felt Merrill's hands rub his shoulders, the muscles relaxing under her touch.

"Where do you feel tight?" Merrill asked.

Fenris admitted, "My chest."

"Then breath into that. Imagine the air opening up your chest. Let your breathing relax the muscles, open it to the sky."

Fenris tried to picture this, his heart beat slowing slightly. He was oddly aware of his markings, the lyrium buzzing in such close proximity to a mage. He flinched at first with the memory, but the buzzing was almost pleasant. While he was not terribly fond of Merrill, he knew that in this moment, he was safe.

"Do they hurt?" Merrill asked, her hands gently massaging his arms.

Fenris said quietly, "Sometimes, mostly when I am afraid."

Merrill asked, "How do you feel now?"

Fenris looked up at the night sky, listening to the sound of the creek. His toes dug into the dirt. He felt Merrill's hands on his lower back, her touch still oddly reassuring.

He admitted, "Free."

"Why don't you try touching yourself again?" Merrill said softly.

Fenris looked down, seeing his erection returning. Self-consciously, he took himself in hand, touching himself only lightly, noticing the softness of his own skin.

"What are you thinking?" Merrill asked.

Fenris replied, "I wonder...I never truly felt desire in Tevinter, not among the Fog Warriors. And now...now it scares me. To have another touch me, to see me like..."

Fenris remembered his nudity and froze. Merrill immediately took her hands away and Fenris caught his breath.

Fenris sighed and said, "No, please. Please, I want to keep going."

Merrill's hands returned to his body and as he relaxed again, he held himself again, gently pumping.

Merrill reassured, "You're in control right now. Nothing will happen to you if you don't want it to. This is for you, just for you. Desire is normal, healthy. This is good, it means you're getting better, you're healing."

Fenris felt a twitch run through him and he shivered, Merrill's hands now resting on his hips, holding him upright. He thrust into his own hand, moaning as the pleasure continued to rise. He felt a brief wave of anxiety, but he moved through it, the wave of his orgasm hitting him strongly. He gasped, gripping himself hard as he came, spurting onto the ground beneath them. His knees shook and Merrill helped him down to his feet. He lay on his back, looking at the sky again as he caught his breath.

"The Dalish have some very odd practices," he managed to say.

Merrill giggled, lying down beside him, "Most of the young figure it out on their own. There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer."

They glanced over at each other and Merrill said sincerely, "This is a good thing. You can be happy, you can feel good. And...if you're attracted to Isabela, you should act on it. When you're ready. In the mean time...you should take some time to get to know yourself, know what you like."

Merrill blushed suddenly, "You're still naked, I forgot. I'll give you some space to wash up. I'll just be going over there now."

Fenris wanted to thank her, but she had already fled. He moved to the edge of the river and began cleaning himself. He let the water still beneath him and he caught a blurry glimpse of his reflection. He touched the marks on his neck, still tingling pleasantly after the orgasm.

Maybe he could learn not to hate them after all.


End file.
